Storyboom 12-4-2022 HOLIDAYS!

Last night’s show was another great Storyboom show, and I got to tell a mini-story as the host. Here it is:

Oh, the holidays. I’ll never forget my First Christmas. I was 32 years old. I married into a Hallmark Holiday Style Midwestern Christian Family. My husband, was, still is, the family rebel. Came to New York, married a Jew, even converted. But I had always dreamed about the glow and sparkle of a Christmas holiday. So, against my husband’s recommendation, I decided to go big. I combed through ladies’ magazines and found instructions in Woman’s Day for these adorable, homemade Christmas cookie ornament, where you melt hard candy to make panes of stained glass, and you embed family portrait photos in each.

I broke into my new husband’s stash of childhood photographs and found a picture of each of the 23 people who would be present. I turned our hip, NY apartment into Santa’s workshop, and I made Christmas cookie ornaments. They were, ahem, bigger than intended and slightly misshapen, but not a bad first attempt. A pain in the ass to pack up in my suitcase for the trip to Chicago. My sister-in-law’s house was the picture-perfect Christmas scene I had always imagined. As I proudly hung each ornament on the tree, next to similar ornaments that the 5-year-old kids had made, my ornaments sort of slumped on the branches. It was humiliating. Dopey. So humiliating that I am not yet ready to laugh about it 34 years later. Everyone graciously said nothing about my ridiculous gesture. I have no idea what they thought or said after we left. I am eternally grateful that social media did not exist back then.

The 2022 Erma Bombeck Rave

After pandemic delays, the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop took place on October 20-22 at the University of Dayton. This is the 5th in-person workshop I’ve attended, and it was my favorite!

I am honored to be among the 9 attendees to share a 200-word or less reflection, which was compiled and introduced by Julia Roberts (not that one) of Decoding Creativity! Here’s the full blog post:

Julia’s intro:

An unlikely hero, with an unassuming name, Erma Bombeck lived in Dayton, Ohio, and graduated from University of Dayton, having dropped out of Ohio University. Like many young women of her generation, she lacked confidence. Like most writers, actually. The story is that her English professor, Brother Tom Price told her:

You can write.

Those three little words freed and empowered her to live the life she led – writing a twice-weekly humor column for 30 million readers in 900 newspapers, about her three kids, holidays, and appliances that wouldn’t work. Her subject matter was not what newspapers were looking for – but it was something they came to understand they needed. She also wrote 15 books, most of which were bestsellers. She gave us gems…

Housework can kill you if done right.

Her legacy goes beyond her readership – the struggling post-war housewives who were busy raising Baby Boomers.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

For me, I go to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop to be with my people. We crack jokes night and day. We share fun and funny days focused on writing. What more do you need? The truth is I come home a full-blown brat, making jokes where none were expected, looking for cake before dinner (as I eat it during Erma), and pretending in my mind that I’m close personal friends with the famous and funny faculty. My best friend, Laraine Newman, told me… Dion Flynn just cracks me up… & you know bestselling author Anabelle Gurwitch…

I’m Julia Roberts, host of this shindig, and creativity coach and speaker. You can find me at my blog,  FB Group, (ask to join)  TikTok, Medium, LI, and Insta

Best Takeaways from Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

Her humor and wisdom is still strong enough to attract an all-star faculty of humor writers and gather 350 writers to her alma mater for the biennial Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. I was there for my third time, recently, and, just for fun, I invited other attendees to give me their favorite glimpses of the Erma experience in 200 words or less. Enjoy!

Like Summer Camp for Funny Grown-Ups

from John Branning, JohnBranning.com

I arrived at my first Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop somewhat nervous but excitedly looking forward to days filled with archery, canoeing, and weaving keychains made with gimp.

Oh, sorry – that’s what I was looking forward to during summer camp in 1968.

My goals at EBWW were to learn how to tighten my writing efforts, market myself better, and get through the night without wetting the bed.

Oops – another camp flashback popped up there.

Other than rueful memories of adolescent incontinence, my thoughts were focused on expanding my circle of writing acquaintances, while rubbing elbows with the illustrious faculty members in attendance.

(I would like to take this moment to offer a public apology to Laraine Newman for rubbing her elbow without her prior consent.)

Among the many warm memories of my time at EBWW (none of which, fortunately, include having to change my sheets in the middle of the night), I was most inspired by hearing directly from literal superstars (Alan Zweibel & Laraine Newman of SNL fame, Katrina Kittle, Dion Flynn, Rebecca Regnier, many others…) regarding how they shared our challenges at the start – and sometimes even during – their careers.

Speaking of tightening my writing efforts – this post has been strictly limited to 200 words, so I’ll end with

Sit Down And Write

from Rajean Blomquist Blog  LinkedIn  Twitter Instagram  Pinterest  YouTube

This headline paraphrases Laraine Newman, one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live in 1975. I listened intently to this comedy legend speak during the 2022 Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. I don’t throw the title legend around willy nilly.

Her exact quote was, “I want to begin by acknowledging how hard it is to sit down and write.”

What? Was she speaking directly to ME? I was attending this beloved conference virtually this time but I swear she looked right into my eyes when she went on to say, “we all have our ways of procrastinating and coming up with the many excuses, or rituals, we need to do before we can begin to write.”

Newman generously told us how she makes notes of the colorful people she encounters and the phrases and gestures they use. She continued, “Write down the odd expressions or peculiarities because we writers never know when we might use them.”

With a soft smile, Newman told us, “Humor is a beautiful way to connect with people.”

Sharing a bit of her speech illustrates why this Erma conference is just the kick in the pants I need every other year to keep writing.

I’m His Plus One

from Michelle Poston Combs, blog: https://www.rubbershoesinhell.com

I went into Erma 2022 with no expectations. After years of “no fun”, I was ready for fun.

I got more than I hoped for. The speakers and sessions were topnotch. Seeing friends soothed my soul.

What I didn’t expect was securing my place in the afterlife. And that happened before I even checked into my room.

I waited in line for my room key, when Alan Zweibel, an OG SNL writer, got in line behind me and we chatted.

He told me that he just got out of a cab driven by a woman named Gilda, then showed me text messages between him and Laraine Newman about Gilda the driver. So, you know, a typical afternoon.

Alan said “I think Gilda is securing my place in heaven.” I told him that I probably wouldn’t see him there as I doubted I would get an invite.

He smiled and said “I’ll tell you what, I will take you as my plus one.”

With that, I achieved complete conference success.

I don’t know, cosmically, how valuable my plus one voucher to heaven really is, but that doesn’t matter. It’s mine forever. Or at least until I try to cash it in.

Sigh. Fine.

from Carol Zollinger https://thecircusishere.com/blog

Everywhere I went, they told me to feel.

Recreate emotional impact for your reader. (That was Joni B. Cole.) But to recreate it, I’d have to feel it again, and my circuits are fried. Decide how you want the reader to feel, said Ann Garvin, then get them there. I didn’t like the feeling the first time. What is a memoir? It’s your story, Brooke Warner told us, but it contains a universal emotional truth.

Sigh. Fine.

I believe our stories will save us. But if I want to make them real, I have to walk the path. I must be willing to go back into the dark, picking up the shards of memory and carrying them out to build the world for a reader.

At least this time, I know where the biggest potholes are, and I have good advice about taking care.

The best kind of advice made me laugh first, ponder second, and find a large glass of water in the end.

“I tell everyone I work with,” said Ann, “Everyone. The first thing you have to do to write a book is take your meds.”

Bottoms up!

Shoe Shopping in Zimbabwe

from Desiree Miller, https://stressfreebaby.com/

As writers, we often have thoughts we just need to get out of our head, stories we MUST share. And the words just pour on the page. But other times, a blank page stares us down. So what do we do to unclog our mind and restart the flow?

If only there was some Drano for the brain, right?

But that doesn’t exist as far as I know. So, maybe we take a walk. Maybe that walk is just to the fridge to make a drink. Alcohol optional. Or a gummy. Not necessarily THAT kind of gummy, but hey, whatever works.

And if that fails, my go-to turns out to be online shopping. I learned at this workshop I am in some very good company. Cathy Guisewite from the famed Cathy comic strip shared she shops for shoes when writer’s block hits.

Turns out MY habit is a bit more expensive. I book trips instead, to faraway places, which, yes, can get pricey. My justification? It’ll give me more material to write about later…unless, of course, the writer’s block hits again. In that case, the story may not leave my brain, but at least I’m making good memories.

Beyond the Bio

from Sarah Demarest Guthrie, FB, Instagram, Twitter, Linked In

Stories of failure – lots of it, over and over again – that was the best takeaway for me from Erma 2022.

• Adriana Trigiani said it well when she looked out over the dinner audience and told us that if all we read is the speaker bio then we miss the complete story. Speaker bios concentrate on what’s been published, produced, or made the best-seller lists. It’s all true, of course, but it glosses over the rest of the story.

• Bruce Cameron said the same thing. Who knew that A Dog’s Purpose almost didn’t make it out of the reject pile? That he had been getting up at 4:30 am to write – before his day job – and had written 11 books before A Dog’s Purpose was published?

• Cathy Guisewite told the same story about her non-productive pandemic time. We can all relate to that! But those days of not producing anything finally led to Scenes from Isolation.

That’s what is so wonderful about Erma. The conference does more than put a face on success – it puts a face on failure. And then gives us tips, tactics, and encouragement so that WE will be the face of success!

Let Me Eat Cake

from Ivy Eisenberg, https://www.ivyeisenberg.com/blog

Someone asked me “why go to the Erma workshop?” For me, it’s not about finding my voice or finding my funny or learning how to write. It’s not transactional: pay $X dollar and receive $Y benefit. I replied: “I go to connect with fellow humor writers who create in various forms.”

Truthfully, I went to eat gobs of cake, since Saturday was my birthday. I went to escape my skinny, calorie-conscious spouse, to hang out with funny, warm, talented people, to celebrate laughter and pain, and to eat. I had intended to have dessert only on Saturday (my birthday), but on Wednesday, even before the conference began, I took myself to Dorothy Lane Markets for a biscotti and coffee, and it was off to the races.

I ordered room service breakfasts, ate both the salty and sweet snacks in the box lunches, feasted on the between-workshop vittles and of course, ate cake. I never touched the 4 putrid protein bars that I had packed in my suitcase, nestled underneath the unused workout clothes. It was a joyful, in-the-moment weekend, where I felt funny, beautiful, and at home. The icing on the cake?  At Stand-up Night, everyone sang Happy Birthday to me!

P.S.: There’s a stand-up night with Wendy Liebman as stand up comedy boot camp coach and MC for a fabulous night of [brand new] comedy.

The Must-See Presenters!

from Yvonne Ransel, https://www.facebook.com/yvonne.ransel

As a veteran of four Erma Bombeck’s Writing Workshops, I knew which presenters were must-sees at this one, because they were memorable, astute and most of all – very funny. Judy Carter was one of them and I wandered into Alumni Center north already smiling at her joyful demeanor.

The title of her presentation was “Turn Problems into Punchlines” – one of the main emphases of this workshop. As a new widow, I knew funny was going to be difficult to come by this time, but I was determined to use it to my advantage.

I love when presenters give us prompts to either finish a sentence humorously or pick a partner or two to brainstorm funny responses. This time Judy put this sentence on the board

A pen is just like sex …

I immediately piped up and said “ when it clicks.” Others had a few bawdier answers like “unless it runs out of fluid” or “when the well runs dry.”

She encouraged us to come up with other sentences like that and finish them with crazy answers. It was almost like writing a comedy sketch.

I walked out laughing and appreciative of good humor.

***

Thanks for reading. We all love Erma.

T minus 3 weeks to Memorial Day

“Come out, come out, wherever you are ….”

- Glinda the Good Witch, The Wizard of Oz

Things are starting to open up. The official start of the summer is 3 weeks away. Time to get cracking on the New Year’s Resolution. The good thing about failing every year is that I don’t have to invent new resolutions. The same trio of resolutions are there: Lose weight, cook at home more, exercise more.

And yet, I had 3 meals out last week—parking-lot-front dining at Rivermarket Bar & Kitchen in Tarrytown, Drinks & Dinner at Hudson Grille in White Plains, Lunch at Hudson Grille in White Plains. Being fully vaxed, ashamedly unwaxed and oddly relaxed—I am ready for the past 14 months to fade away.

Theatres and storytelling mics are opening up—but thank goodness, I am booked on a from-the-neck-up Zoom show, the 2021 Ladies of Laugher Story Slam competition!

My Social Dilemma (or FOMO)

So sorry about this.

I couldn’t save the world today because I had to scroll through the Facebook post to see what Celebrities Look Like Without Their Makeup.

I wasn’t able to get out for a 15 minute walk because  it was important to catch up on what OctoMom’s kids look like now

I had to see what a Hot Mess that person from my high school bio class is now. She is obviously single and off in Oregon. Odd.

As for my co-worker from the 80s – she is dripping in wealth and entertaining every weekend at the Hamptons. And WHY are they not wearing masks? What is with these people – all summer long. I spent so much time chiding them in my brain that I didn’t paint my front bathroom this summer, as planned.

Who is that person in the private Facebook Writing group? I had to click through 15 Linkedin profiles to get the right Amy Kasweith.

I squandered the weekend because it was important to me to discover what Kate Middleton wore before she became a Royal

Before I knew it, it was Monday and I had to come up with something to enter in my friend’s Monday Punday contest,

I am somehow on the list for Real Estate in NYC. I have no plans on moving, but it is fascinating to see the prices (going up!) and the décor (what is with the grey?) and the fireplaces everyone has (glad I’m in style with that.)

Someone has spammed the Weight Watcher’s Recipe facebook group again and I have to make sure I report it to the group’s Admin. Really, do we believe that Abrahmayiiim Abramayiim, who just joined Facebook a day ago, with a suspiciously single profile picture, has lost 55.4 pounds in 2 months and has a cookbook to give away?

There were some productive moments during my Facebook scrolling.

I learned 10 new  Napkin-folding trips for Thanksgiving., I watched 20 minutes of Irish step dancing, which gave me joy, and I listened to PS 22 choir sing to a teacher with cancer and cried my eyes out.

I gave back, too. I sent 3 apple dessert recipes to the girlfriend of a storyteller friend who just came back from Apple picking.

I amplified a “get out the vote” message.

Then, when it was finally time to call it a day and go cook dinner – the news broke that Jeffrey Toobin showed his weiner on a zoom call and now I have to google all the coverage to see whether he was actually flogging his log or whether his thing was merely peering out of the hole in his boxers.

Consensus? Flogging his log. Eeew.

Hashtag I Am Gone

Attention everyone.  I am quitting Social Media. I am serious this time.

I will not, I repeat, I WILL NOT be checking Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.

If you need to reach me, you can find me in real life (IRL) through my landline phone, which I still have so that I can call my cell phone when it is lost in my handbag.

I am now wearing a neck brace to correct spinal curvature due to iNS (iPhone Neck Syndrome). I know. I look creepy and weird because I’m not looking down at my phone in Starbucks.

My right thumb has been prophylactically taped to my hand so I cannot aimlessly scroll through my feed during a staff meeting, waiting for my food at the diner, or sitting on the toilet. I will henceforth be bringing a magazine into the john.

Speaking of my food, I will be eating it until it is gone forever, not photographing it for posterity. Trust me, it was good and looked beautiful before I made it disappear. Likewise, I won’t be seeing your food, whether architected by a famous chef, mashed into your one-year-old’s face, or Pinterest pinned. I get it. You are an amazing cook and you eat at wonderful restaurants with loved ones.

I want to congratulate you all on your beautiful children, grandchildren, Labradoodles, vegetable gardens, and Thanksgiving table settings. I admit that you are happier, thinner, and younger than I am, and your families are gorgeous. Congratulations on your promotion, your engagement, and your wedding as well. Really, I am happy for you.

And happy birthday to everyone, each of you, each day of the year, including Henry, the guy from my High School two years ahead of me, whom I never “knew” until three weeks ago. By the way, Henry, sorry for the loss of your Aunt Jeanne. She will be sorely missed.

As I have no more friends, I will now be playing Words with Myself.

If you do not share my politics, we have already disassociated ourselves from each other’s social media feeds—so you won’t realize I’m gone. #Iamgone

Dear whoever-you-are, posing as a handsome, middle-aged widower from the Upper West Coast and attempting to friend me on Facebook. Who are you, really? Are you actually the Nigerian prince who emailed my Aol account 10 years ago, promising to wire millions of dollars into my account? Just send the money, if it’s you. You must have my bank account number by now. 

One last note: my favorite color is purple, my stripper name is Maple Rockaway, my Harry Potter character is “Hermione,” and that dress really was blue.