Hashtag I Am Gone
Attention everyone. I am quitting Social Media. I am serious this time.
I will not, I repeat, I WILL NOT be checking Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.
If you need to reach me, you can find me in real life (IRL) through my landline phone, which I still have so that I can call my cell phone when it is lost in my handbag.
I am now wearing a neck brace to correct spinal curvature due to iNS (iPhone Neck Syndrome). I know. I look creepy and weird because I’m not looking down at my phone in Starbucks.
My right thumb has been prophylactically taped to my hand so I cannot aimlessly scroll through my feed during a staff meeting, waiting for my food at the diner, or sitting on the toilet. I will henceforth be bringing a magazine into the john.
Speaking of my food, I will be eating it until it is gone forever, not photographing it for posterity. Trust me, it was good and looked beautiful before I made it disappear. Likewise, I won’t be seeing your food, whether architected by a famous chef, mashed into your one-year-old’s face, or Pinterest pinned. I get it. You are an amazing cook and you eat at wonderful restaurants with loved ones.
I want to congratulate you all on your beautiful children, grandchildren, Labradoodles, vegetable gardens, and Thanksgiving table settings. I admit that you are happier, thinner, and younger than I am, and your families are gorgeous. Congratulations on your promotion, your engagement, and your wedding as well. Really, I am happy for you.
And happy birthday to everyone, each of you, each day of the year, including Henry, the guy from my High School two years ahead of me, whom I never “knew” until three weeks ago. By the way, Henry, sorry for the loss of your Aunt Jeanne. She will be sorely missed.
As I have no more friends, I will now be playing Words with Myself.
If you do not share my politics, we have already disassociated ourselves from each other’s social media feeds—so you won’t realize I’m gone. #Iamgone
Dear whoever-you-are, posing as a handsome, middle-aged widower from the Upper West Coast and attempting to friend me on Facebook. Who are you, really? Are you actually the Nigerian prince who emailed my Aol account 10 years ago, promising to wire millions of dollars into my account? Just send the money, if it’s you. You must have my bank account number by now.
One last note: my favorite color is purple, my stripper name is Maple Rockaway, my Harry Potter character is “Hermione,” and that dress really was blue.